Wednesday, October 22, 2003

I finally got to drive yesterday! Oh yeah! My first time on the road and it really went grrrrr-eat! Well except for a few times when I kept on stepping on the gas and brakes a little harder than I should. the part where I should be getting the car to start moving was the part where I had serious problems before. I didn't get the right balance between the clutch pedal and the gas pedal (this was during the first driving lessons almost 20 years ago, the experience of which traumatized me so much I swore off learning to drive). But now it's totally different. I was even wearing this stupid grin on my face when me and the driving instructor were cruising on a quiet road. It was surreal and it was definitely cool. I could almost feel like shouting, "I'm the king of the road!" in true James Cameron fashion.

I finally got to go to Len's wake after the driving lesson. I got to meet her brother who's also a member of the online community. It's ironic that I only got to meet her this first time when I'm no longer able to talk or exchange ideas with her. After viewing her remains inside the casket I sat down on one of the pews with her brother and he told me what happened. I also opened up and told him about the should haves and the could-have-beens. The silence after those talks opened a floodgate of tears on my part. Since I didn't have any handkerchief or paper tissue at hand I wiped them tears on the sleeves of my polo. With the bottled water they gave I also managed to "distract" any more tears from falling. I thought it a waste for someone so dear and beautiful should die without making peace with God. I refused to be consoled, burdened by this fact that I even shrugged off even the text messages of another friend commenting on how peaceful she looked lying there and that she's in a happier place now. I thought it stupid how he could come up with such a conclusion given her particular beliefs. I never knew this girl aside from her thoughts and opinions posted online and here I was feeling so much pain at her passing. An errand called Eric away for a while so I watched other mourners and tried to pass the time reading a book I brought with me. Other friends of hers took their time in front of the casket reflecting and wiping their tears. A couple of friends soon arrived after an hour and a half and we got to talk for a while before taking my leave.

* * *

I woke up around 8 in the morning today when the same friend sent me a text informing me that Len's brother Eric posted a message on the boards:
thank you to all the people who came to the wake and for those who texted. for those who came, i am sorry if I wasn't able to stay and talk with you that long.

for those who knew my sister personally and those who debated with her here in RoT about god, religion, etc., we knew that she really never believed in god or religion. she had so many questions about religion and god which would be impossible to answer. I for one saw her as an ally and partner when it comes to these types of debates and talks since i always believed that we both had the same type of view regarding god and religion.

i find it kind of ironic that my very own partner would be the one who would change my view of religion and god. God knows how many people have tried to convince me to believe.. God knows that my gf switgerl likewise tried very hard to convince me to believe. It's only now that i've started to think that maybe there is in fact a god.

my main reason is that during the morning before elaine passed away, she talked to my mom. my mom being a religious person, asked her if elaine has asked God for forgiveness. elaine's reply was: "yes i did. and he told me everything will be alright."
when elaine asked for something from my mom and went into the C.R., she came out empty handed. my mom asked her what happened to the thing she gave elaine. and her only reply was: "I gave it to God." by then i was told that she looked calm and troublefree.

for others who never really knew her, maybe this talk about God wouldn't be a surprise. however for those of us who really knew her feelings toward religion and God, her type of personality, her beliefs.. this came as a huge surprise. (10-22-2003 08:35 AM)

It was narrow minded of me to think that God could not come through for Len. How could I even entertain my previous thoughts on her condition? My mourning turned to dancing over this piece of good news. Btw, RoT stands for Realm of Thought the forum I moderate where philosophies, religion, and science is discussed. Here's another post by Eric on the subject Can people really change? :
I was told by my uncle that there is a chinese saying which goes: "it is easier to flatten a mountain, than to change a person"

he told me that it is very hard to change a person.. so hard that it is close to impossible.

when my dad talked to me just yesterday morning, he told me of his conversation with a priest 30 years ago which he still remembers now.

my dad questioned religion and what was written in the bible. he said "so many miracles are written down in the bible.. how come we never see any miracles in our lives today?" the reply of the father was: "we know how hard it is to change a person. if a person suddenly changed for the better, then isn't that a miracle?"

so as for the question: "can people really change?" my answer is yes. because i myself suddenly had a change of view regarding religion and God.. wherein i felt that all my life, no one can change my view of religion or God.

I'm like... WHOA!!! Remind me to never doubt you again Dad and sorry for even entertaining them thoughts and a thousand apologies to my friend, you're right.

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