Sunday, October 19, 2003

I got the shock of my life when I got home from attending the morning church service. The online administrator of a Pinoy forum sent me this text 11:55 a.m.:
Sacrosanct just passed away. Aspirin overdose. Her remains at Paz Araneta

I felt really sad about the whole thing. I don't personally know this girl but I got to interact with her online starting from way, way before I was promoted to being the forum moderator where she was posting quite regularly. She was one of the most interesting and colorful characters in that community. Though we didn't really see eye to eye in some matters (she didn't believe in God) I smiled at her wit and marvelled at her ability to engage even the best theologians in a doctrinal debate. I had some chances to meet her during two major EBs that were held a year apart (and I heard that she wanted to meet me too) but I blew it. We also had some common friends and most of what I know about her came from them. As an artist and a poet her works also intrigued me. It said a lot about her pain and loneliness and I wanted to reach out and take the time to listen to what she really wanted to say. I don't know if she wrote this on the day of her death or some days prior.


I always have questioned my personal worth
in each day that passes me by.
And wondered why the weak inherit the earth
while strong men are sent first to die.
I wanted an answer but now look at me,
lonely and sad to the core,
for the world had passed by far too quickly for me
and left me not one open door.
I tried to believe in the one the call God
but hopeless is now all I am,
for in searching I'd chosen the wrong path to trod
and no one had lent me a hand.
Abandon my life, abandon my faith,
abandon the ones i call "friends",
for no love can grow in a mind filled with hate
and hate is on what I depend.
I want to say sorry for things I have done
I wish I could turn back the time.
The world would be glad had I not seen the sun
I have lived, and now I shall die.

You were worth more than you could ever realize Len, both in the eyes of your friends and the God you desperately tried to believe in...

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