Saturday, March 06, 2004

I've been thinking about a lot things these past few days. Every night I would go out to the mall to reflect on a lot of things. I have already made peace with a lot of ghosts from the past. I realized that there are no accidents in this world and all things happen for a reason. Hurray if it's good but no matter how bad it is, something good always, always comes out of it. With regret gone resentment has taken its place, constantly gnawing holes in the walls of my thoughts.

Resentment assumes things. It builds up on the "what-ifs" of the past. You got unanswered questions on situations due to non-closure? Resentment feeds on them. Pride prevents you from getting out the door by drudging the muck and filling your thoughts with fear, upping the ante everytime and raising the pressure, leaving you paralyzed and helpless to do something about it until you erupt in smoldering anger. In an effort to stymie the thoughts and make sense of these assumptions, I go to the malls and eat out. I would always bring a book to read while I eat, browse new titles in the nearby bookstore, or see what's new in the art galleries upstairs. Then I would go home, watch TV, lie down on the bed, and think some more. There will be some times when I do get some relief over these assumptions. I think that during those times God come through and remind me what could have happened at the time of these unclosed episodes. In His grace he would come and whisper words of comfort in my ear. I imagine Him sitting down beside me, putting his arms around my shoulder and even without speaking a word would remind me that He's always there no matter what happens. I imagine Him rocking me in His arms and humming songs to quiet my troubled heart. Except for one person whom I open up to over the net, there's no one here I know would be able to relate to what's been happening to me. I've learned to sift whom I want to talk to and whom I'd like to be distracted with. Oftentimes the line between the two would be blurred and discussing philosophy and what-nots would offer temporary relief enough to get me through the day. But strangely still I would not open the door to them.

There would be a spattering of morning reflections and most often before sleeping I would think again. There were times I would silently cry out for relief behind closed doors. I would hold on to the promises that have been revealed to me and He would remind me of the things I was asking at the start of the year. He would urge me to stand my ground and defend my turf. "You are at war and even though I'll surely give what you ask of me, you still have to fight it out till that time," He would remind me again and again. For every stumble that I make he would offer His hand to raise me to my feet. It is His battle, not mine. It is His victory and his victory is my success. He never gave up every step of the way so why should I chicken out at this time?
Cling not to the things you've had
Reminders of a time so sad
So rise above the mire and silt
And free yourself of fear and guilt
Question not the things unknown
Just please accept the love you're shown
Trust in things you can not see

Well finally earlier today I'm happy to report that the dawn has finally come. Resentment's back has finally been broken!

* It's Alright, author unknown.

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?