Thursday, May 20, 2004

It's quite stormy outside and I had a lot of work to catch up to so I thought it would be better to get to it and not attend the meeting earlier tonight. While walking towards home after a short meeting with my cousin at the VCF Center at the Galleria, I began to feel sorta gooey and sentimental inside. The weather didn't help any and halfway though the journey, I ducked inside another mall and ate my dinner there. In between bites of spaghetti with meatballs, I thought to myself, Will I be a good husband?* I can't honestly say that I will in every sense of the adjective but I'd like to think that I will be. I tried enumerating what I think a good one should have based on observation and all the theories I've read, but I crossed it out after some more thinking. Then another question crossed my mind, Will I be a good father?* This one's a lot harder to answer if I'm going to be completely honest with myself. Of course, again I answered that I'd like to think that I will be. And again I tried to come up with a list why I can be the coolest father any kid could have but I set it aside after a while. I thought that maybe I could pass the first decade or so with flying colors but I dunno after that. It's different to want something and having reality set in after the initial excitement. Can I be all this on my own? Can I make it after a time of observing and reading and counseling other people about it (the best coaches, after all, are in the benches, hehe)? Honestly, it's a humongous "no". Although I do want to but it won't make any difference and I would soon die from stress related diseases. So how do you solve something like this? Does that mean I can run from any future responsibilities by not settling down and having kids? Again that's an even bigger "no" than the previous one. If you think out of the box you'd see that the answer doesn't lie in me at all. I don't have the capabilities to be perfectly cool in this lifetime, I don't even know where to start. But I know Someone who can teach me how to go about it and all He's asking is for me not to think and worry too much. So I shrugged my shoulders and grinned to myself. I got out of the resto, transferred to a quiet cafe and did some work.

* I mean "good" to be all the time.

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