Thursday, December 23, 2004

A friend of mine killed herself in a moment of weakness earlier this week. I don't know yet the details surrounding her death though from what I got it happened sometime in the early hours before dawn while everyone was asleep. She shot herself in the head "with a gun I think she found in my parents' bedroom," was her sister's private message to me. Disclosure of names aren't important since nobody in the general vicinity of my circle of friends know her except for a certain few. I honestly don't know what to make of the announcement. I guess I'm still in denial over the whole thing.

She's a good friend who thought of herself as plain looking and unlovable but contrary to what she believes she's as beautiful as day and very much loved by everyone who knew her. I remember one time when she visited me in the internet café I was managing. She had a ski cap covering her hair and after the usual round of greetings and how-do-you-do's she told me she had a surprise and asked that I not laugh at her if she showed it to me: cut her hair, styled it so it was all standing up, and dyed it blonde. I told her I loved it and I did. It had spunk and style that went with her gung-ho attitude. Although I suggest that she could have at least colored her hair blue or hot pink so it would it have a punkier attitude. She laughed, very much amused at my suggestion and kept her hat off while we discussed other matters. From what I understood from our conversations she longed to understand the whys of life but in the process of doing so had been brutally rebuffed by some of those she trusted and looked up to as she was growing up. She's opinionated but her words are a cry for help and instead of helping her cope people even cheered and gave her an award for cussing on national TV. They thought it was something to be encouraged but they didn't see the pain behind it all. I couldn't understand it then and I still couldn't understand it now coupled with an anger for the audience to have cheered her on.

I can understand it better if people died of natural causes or old age like what happened with a few friends and grandrelatives. I grieved over the death of an acquaintance when she also took her life but that burden was assuaged by the revelation that death was held off for a while, enough for her to set things right with the God she didn't formerly believed in. But I have no clear answer in this instance. Why did you have to take your life so soon? Why did you take it at all? ... There are two things constant with death and one with suicide: you're never prepared with the news of it no matter how much you think you are and there will always be questions and guilt hanging around with survivors. She would mention about ending her life during one of our talks and knowing how serious she was about it I would always address the issue and discourage her from going through with it. But we sort of lost contact for so many months and the thought of establishing contact with her never entered my mind again. Now she's gone.

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