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Friday, January 27, 2006

Have you ever had one of those days when you didn't feel like anything? Which is different from not doing anything, just a feeling you can't shake off or would rather not shake off since it's better than being in the dumps. More of then than you'd then go in an existentialist mood pondering what you're doing here and what your place is in the larger scheme of things. Or it may be that one may start taking stock of what he or she did and if it's enough to leave everyone with a fond remembrance. Well, remember my previous post about me teetering between apathy and content? I haven't moved from it yet. I now look at the world with a slight indifference if there's a problem I could easily shake it off or I could leave it while I ponder an alternative solution. Those who know me since forever would probably congratulate me for finally achieving that elusive confidence that was lacking in me in all those years. An EQ test I just took gave me a score of 120, which only serves to confirm my suspicions all these years. It could be that these results are still too general for it too mean anything.

I don't consider myself one of the fortunate ones enough to have reached this. Or maybe I am that I've gone and survived this long. My mind's in a frenzy I can't articulate much what's going on but I've found a couple of songs by the band Caedmon's Call that speaks what I'm going through their songs Can't Lose You and Prove Me Wrong (click the links to read the lyrics). With regards to the latter song, I'm not going to just up and leave, I've been through worse and He proved Himself to be so much more during those times, so there. On one hand it feels great that I've finally reached this level of perceived formidability whereas before some things used to bother and annoy the heck out of me these days I'm pretty much stable. On the other hand there's also this sneaking suspicion that I shouldn't be too comfortable and start looking for avenues for me to go to the next level. It maybe that although rocks are strong and impervious to the elements they also don't move and improve.

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